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Short Pieces from issue 1

How to 'make it' in Rock'n'Roll
"Andrew (Eldritch) formally disclaimed being Goth and Goths I think it was in the NME, Perhaps we should look elsewhere in future."

Yes, but 'deny everything' is one of the most basic rules isn't it? In all honesty, Uncle Andrew never wanted to be a goth he wanted to be a heavy metal star (or at the very least he wanted to take more speed than Lemmy or Iggy), it was *that* hat and coat which started the rumours.....

In my opinion this is where Rosetta Stone and Nosferatu are failing (especially Nosferatu!) They are self-proclaimed goths and will therefore never be on Top of the Pops. What they should do is appear on Saturday Morning Children's TV, preferably under the influence of some mind altering drug, wear waistcoats without anything on underneath, affect Mancunian accents, and ask "What's a goth?" to anyone that mentions the word.

From here they can expect regular features in the sort of glossy magazine written by 35 year old women who like to think they are 15, they can release more records than can possibly be good for them, and eventually end up playing to 35,000 *seated* venues; where their original fans are either refused admission by the security, or are crushed to death by hoards of pre-pubescent girlies with t-shirts reading 'Gothic as Flip' and white stilettos.

They can then do some charity shows, have some sort of motor accident, and eventually go bankrupt, change their haircuts, and keep trying to organize come-back tours which involve day-time appearances on 'Good Morning with Richard and Judy', but always fail miserably because they don't realise they are past it.

At least one member of the band will turn into David Bowie.

(None of this applies to the Utah Saints of course - please could we have some passes love S&J)
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The Take a Bite Taste Test
Is caffeine more important than sunlight? This question from the goth test set our corporate scientists to work, and after several lightning lit midnights, and the horrible dismemberment of several Igors here are the results.

Caffeine content in mgs per 12 oz can:


Jolt                      100.0
Sugar-Free Mr. Pibb        58.8 *
Mountain Dew               54.0 *
Mello Yellow               52.8 *
Tab                        46.8
Coca-Cola                  45.6
Diet Cola                  45.6
Dr. Pepper                 39.6
Pepsi Cola                 38.4
Aspen                      36.0 *
Diet Pepsi                 36.0
Canada Dry Cola            30.0
Canada Dry Diet Cola        1.2

* Not available in the UK

A 7 oz cup of coffee has the following caffeine content:

Drip                 115-175
Brewed                80-135
Instant               65-100
Decaf                  3-4
Tea actually has more caffeine per cup than coffee. Therefore the top 3 drinks with caffeine according to Take a Bite are:

3. Jolt Cola tastes filthy, kicks like a mule on speed

2. Coffee a warm mellow drink causing shakes and psychotic episodes if you have more than about 17 cups

1. Tea boiled water and leaves served with or without cow-squirt. Goes some way to explain the English.

Please note: Pepsi Max does not figure in this survey as I drank it all.
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Top 10 ways of spotting a goth
10. They wear bright clothes and plastic dayglo sunglasses.
9. They have deep tans and can often be found catching a few rays on the beech.
8. They are great sport stars, often excelling at golf.
7. They keep up with the current trends in music and are always ready to embrace new bands and stand by them once they have achieved mass popularity and day-time airplay and never say accuse them of 'selling out' or any such.
6. They have no sense of humour and would like to commit suicide, but instead they sit around and talk about it alot - usually while listening to The Smiths or other such dirges.
5. They are short and fat and have blonde hair.
4. They are teetotal.
3. They are keen folk dancers, often specialising in obscure and complex dance steps with brightly coloured costumes with bells on
2. Many of them grow root vegetables for a living and collect Elvis memorabilia.
1. The pope used to be a goth
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And our survey said...

In a recent survey we asked a representative cross section of the gothic hierachy what their favourite things were. Here are the results:

Kebabs                          5%
Speed                          25% (although 40% refused to answer)
Snakebite & black              78%
Looking at self in mirror      99% (one claimed to be a vampire so we did the
 				    you've smudged your eyeliner joke and
				    they went away)
Clubbing                       50%
Gigging                        50%
Go away, you are scaring me    20%
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- RECIPE CORNER -
ANACONDA
The Anaconda Snakebite is made with half a pint of Theakstons Old Peculiar (or another real ale) and a bottle of Diamond White or 1080 (or other strong dry cider) , a dash of black and two straws.




75% of those drinking it were sick 
15% fell over 
10% had to drink more than one pint to achieve the same effect. 
This drink has the colour and consistency of slightly congealed blood (some sort of reaction between the bitter and the cider). It turns to poison in your stomach. Goes well with Kebabs.

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