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The Take a Bite guide to hair care


This section deals with the five basic aspects of gothic hair, and then goes on to look, albeit briefly, on what to do when you have crimped, dyed, and backcombed your hair into oblivion and you are now bald.

Crimping 
Hair dye 
Big Hair for beginners 
The Mohawk 
The Joys of hair extensions 
Baldness 
Because TaB is an international publication, and because it is distributed on the internet as well as on paper we have decided not to use brand names, and instead to make a list of words you should look for on any products you buy. For example if you are looking for some crimpers, you should look for the words:

Crimpers 
Gas Powered 
And avoid any product which contains the words:

Wave 
Curl 
Napalm 
Heated nipple clamp 
Crimping
Well you've bought your crimpers and plugged them in. What now? Well you need to wait for them to heat up, so make sure they aren't on top of any vinyl or anything and then go and have something to drink. While you are gone get some hairspray and give your hair a once over - making sure to spray underneath right down to the roots.

Hairspray - Words to look for: 
Hardrock original formula 
Extra Firm Hold 
Supreme 
Waterproof 
Aquanet 
Extra Bastard 
Ozone Destroying 

Words to avoid: 
Hair remover 
Furniture polish 
WD40 

Once the crimpers are hot, get a finger and thumb full of hair and crimp it with the crimpers as close to the root as possible. If the crimpers are hot enough you should hear and egg-n-bacon sizzle. Hold for about four or five seconds and then continue up the hair until you've done it all.

Repeat until you are crimped.

Now I'm led to believe that this process is more common in Europe than the States, but apart from being a quick way of distinguishing between a person with black hair and a goth going shopping, crimping also makes further hair modification easier and is a pretty much essential precursor to the 'big and fluffy' haircuts detailed below.

Hair Dye
Words to look for: 
blue black 
black 
purple 
permanent 

Words to avoid: 
golden yellow 
party fun 
Just add salt and boiling water 
Vetinary use only 
That's all I have to say on the subject, but see also: Baldness (below). By the way hair dye seems to leave hair in a conditioned state which makes it almost impossible to spike.



Do not be fooled into believing that black hair dye is a good conditioner - 'cos it aint.


Big Hair
Here are 5 steps to a big 'fat bob' haircut and 6 steps to a mohawk. Follow this easy step plan for six days a week for 3 years and dye your hair on the 7th day and you too can have hair like Queen Elizabeth I. (bald)

1) Crimp your hair 
See 'crimping' above

2) Spray your hair 
Add more of your gravity defying hairspray.

3) Crimp your hair again 
Crimp or iron the hair to slightly melt the hairspray and produce a fine sticky layer. (This isn't *absolutely* necessary, but makes the rest of the process much easier and faster)

4) Backcomb 
Backcomb it from the roots. (Just in case you think this means combing it backwards - here's how. Grab a finger and thumb full of hair from the middle top of your head. Hold it vertically and then comb the hair down towards your head, keeping a firm grip at all times.)

When you have combed it down into a matted clump run the comb up through the hair and it will stand up slightly. This will hurt. But we have to suffer for our art so stick with it. For best effects use a steel toothed 'nit' comb or other fine comb.


5) Respray 
When you have finished backcombing your hair you will look like fat Bob. If you want to look like fat Bob then spray it some more and use a hair dryer to set it in place.

If you have shaved sides, you can easily achieve a mohawk by getting a really powerful hairdryer and some more hairspray and just setting your hair in place. Or if you've got vast quantities of hair you can brush it all over to one side and look as if your brain has exploded out of your temple.

6) More hairspray 
This just sets it nicely


Extensions
Getting hair extensions put into your hair is expensive - Billy Idol has some and he is rich, blonde, has read too much William Gibson and never answers his e-mail. However, you can buy the fibers yourself and get someone to put them in for you. Here's how:

Method 1: 

Jam them into a hairband of some description: This is quick and easy, but likely to come out if pulled.

Method 2: 
Plait them in and then sew the fibers to your hair: The advantage of this method is they can easily be taken out again (as long as you don't sew black extensions into black hair with black cotton). The downside is they will work loose and will only stay in for a day or so at the most.

Method 3: 
Melt them in with crimpers: If you use this method make sure they are properly plaited in first. The last thing you want is a globule of melted plastic dangling in your ear. (note: not fashionable at the time of going to press - who knows what the future holds!)



Baldness
Here are a list of bald people who you might have heard of:


Sean from the Marionettes 
Andy from Creaming Jesus 
Bela Lugosi (but he is also dead) 

Tips: 

Use conditioner 
Give your hair a rest every now and then (ie wear a hat or something) 
Once your hair starts to go thin - stop dying it or loose it. The invention of natural hair dyes and coloured hairspray will save you from ruin. 
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