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The Take a Bite Problem Page

Dear Ticia,
I am a well-educated English singer living abroad. Recently I decided to take over from David Bowie when he retires. Unfortunately I had a reputation in my youth for being a bit-of-a-goth and I am trying to shake off this image without my success. I have gone back to my natural haircolour, shown my legs to a music journalist and started eating sushi - all to no avail. I have worn 'cute' sunglasses, paisley shirts, spoken to my audience - still with no success. Now, everywhere I go I see strange visions of shirtless young men rise out of the crowds and wave to me. I'm at my wits end. Can you help? Andrew^H^H^H^H^H David 
Dear David,
Why not do what Eldritch did and release "Under the Gun". It won't work, but at least you'll feel you tried. I'm afraid the only solution is to go and work in a pub in West Yorkshire.
I have sent you a 'fact sheet on How to become David Bowie'.

Dear Ticia,
One of my fangs broke off and now I have a speech defect, a swollen lip AND only one tooth. Last night I said to someone "I thant to thuck your blook!" Can you help?
A unident vampire from the home counties

Dear Unident,
Never mind dear, everyone has their cross to bear. You should have considered what was at stake earlier. Take a few moments for reflection. Now I know this sort of thing is a bit of a pain in the neck and all, but why not just get some plastic vampire teeth. I have sent you a fact sheet.

Dear Ticia,
I am a bit confused as to what is gothic and what isn't. I don't want to turn up wearing the wrong thing, read the wrong books, or listen to the wrong music. Can you help?
Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Here are a list of things that are gothic and things that aren't gothic just for you:

GOTH                     NOT GOTH
Black                    Dayglo Yellow
Black                    Pink
Black                    Ok, you get the general gist of the colour scheme
			 now.  Just remember that Shelley never wore a black
			 shirt, and that Dracula's cape had a red lining in
			 the film (not the black & white one though).
Strange Hair cuts        Perms, Flicks, 'Highlites'
                         and colours
Death                    Suicide
Various types of music   Various other types of music
Kebabs                   Sausage on a pole
Body modification        Plastic surgery
Flammable hairspray      Flammable clothing
Pointy teeth and feet    Pointy noses and big ears
Vampire books            Picture books about dogs and balls and children                          with monosyllabic names.
Laughing at people       Being an object of ridicule
Trainspotting            Collecting Sisters of Mercy Records with obscure
			 catalogue numbers; oh, hang on, they're the wrong
			 way around (it's ok, we can sort it out before
			 we go to press  -Ed)
Snakebite                Ringworm